Jokes:
Husband: That man is really stupid.
Wife: Why do you say that?
Husband: He thinks that a football coach has four wheels.
Wife: Isn't that silly. How many wheels does it have?
Don't be surprised if your next income tax form is simplified to contain
only four lines:
1. What was your income last year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much do you have left?
4. Send it in.
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the
airplane rides, but balked at the $10 tickets.
"Let's make a deal," said the pilot. "If you and your wife can ride
without making a single sound, I won't charge you anything. Otherwise you
pay the $10."
"Good deal!" said the farmer.
So they went for a ride. When they got back the pilot said, "If I hadn't
been there, I never would have believed it. You never made a sound!"
"It wasn't easy, either," said the farmer. "I almost yelled when my
wife fell out."
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week
and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?"
he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided
to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the
drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river
(look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr
Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was
carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously
disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."
When a busload of people entered a large restaurant, the leader of the
group approached the manager.
"Sir, I'm Mr. Phillips of the Kingsview Mental Hospital. These nice
folks are mental patients in our halfway house program. They've all been
cured, but they do have one small problem : They will want to pay you with
bottle caps. So if you'll be so kind as to humour them in this way, I'll
take care of the bill when they are through."
The manager, wanting to be a good citizen, went along and collected
the bottle caps. The leader returned and with gratitude said, "Thank
you so very much. I'll pay the bill now. Do you have change for a hubcap?"
"Every once in awhile my wife puts on one of those mud packs."
"Does it improve her looks?"
"Only for a few days - then the mud falls off."
"My wife is always asking for money," complained a man to his friend.
"Last week she wanted $200. The day before yesterday she asked me for $125.
This morning she wanted $150."
"That's crazy," said the friend. "What does she do with it all?"
" I don't know," said the man, "I never give her any."
A man walked into a second-hand body parts shop. "How much do you charge
for a brain?" he asked the assistant.
"Male brains are $50 and female brains are $30," she replied.
"Why are they different prices?" queried the man.
"Female brains are cheaper because they're been used," she said.
Father to teenage daughter. "I want you home by 11.00."
"But Daddy, I'm no longer a child."
"I know, that's why I want you home by 11.00."
They say that one in every four persons is unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends. If they seem OK, then you're in trouble.
A big executive boarded a Sydney to Melbourne train. He explained to
the porter: "I'm a heavy sleeper and I want you to be sure to wake me at
3.00am to get off in Albury. Regardless of what I say, get me up, for I
have some important business there."
The next morning he awakened in Melbourne. He found the porter and
really poured it on with abusive language.
After he left, someone said, "How could you stand there and take that
kind of talk from that man?"
The porter said: "That ain't nothing. You should have heard what the
man said that I put of at Albury."
Father: Why don't you get yourself a job?
Maria: Why?
Father: So you could earn some money.
Maria: Why?
Father: So you could put some money in a bank account and earn
intereset.
Maria: Why?
Father: So that when you're old you can use the money in your
bank account - and you would never have to work again.
Maria: I'm not working now.
Pretty young girl to friend :"Not only has Jack broken my heart and wrecked my whole life, but he has spoiled my entire evening."
Wife: Tomorrow is our twenty-fifth anniversary. I think I'll
kill the big red rooster and bake him.
Husband: Now now, honey; why punish the poor chicken for what
happened 25 years ago?
Penguins mate for life, which doesn't surprise me, because they all
look alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better-looking penguin
someday.
Gravelly ill, a man went to the doctor with his wife. After the examination,
the doctor asked the wife to see him alone.
"Your husband is very sick," he told her, "but there are three things
you can do to ensure his survival. First, give him three healthy, delicious
meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don't complain
about anything. Finally, make passionate love to him every day."
Driving home, the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"
"I'm sorry," said his wife, "but you are not going to make it."
Irving is driving down the freeway when his mobile phone rings. It's
his wife: "Irving, I just heard on the news that there is a car going down
the freeway in the wrong direction. Please try to be careful."
"It's true," Irving replies. "But not just one car - there are hundreds
of them!"
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
Ten men and one woman.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't
the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really
touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others,
because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children,
giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
Never underestimate the power of a Woman.
Stopped on the beach by a wildlife officer, a poacher was told he'd
be fined for taking lobsters without a permit. "What do you mean?" the
man said. "I didn't break the law. These two lobsters are my pets. I'm
just going for a walk with them."
"Nonsense," the officer replied.
"It's true," insisted the man. "They go into the surf for a swim, and
when I whistle they come back."
"This I've got to see," the officer said. So the man tossed both lobsters
out into the waves and the officer said, "OK. Now let's hear you whistle
for your pet lobsters to swim back to you."
"Lobsters?" asked the poacher. "What lobsters?"
A man showing off his new flat to friends late at night was asked by
one of them, “Why the big brass gong in the corner?”
“That’s my talking clock,” he replied. “I’ll show you how it works.”
With that he gave the gong an almighty whack with a golf club. Instantly,
a voice from the next unit screamed, “Do you mind! It’s nearly midnight!”
An elderly woman asked her doctor to prescribe her the contraceptive
pill. Taken aback, the doctor said, “But you’re 75 years old. What possible
use could you have for the pill?”
“They help me sleep better,” she insisted.
“How on earth could birth control pills do that?” the doctor asked.
“I put them in my teenage grand-daughters orange juice every morning,”
the woman explained.
“I can’t see very far,” the patient told the optician.
“Come outside,” said the optician.
Pointing upwards, he asked, “What’s that in the sky?”
“The sun,” the patient answered.
“Well,” commented the optician, “how much further do you want to see?”
I was in an department -store fitting room when I overheard a woman
in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying
on.
An assistant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific
colour or style she could get for her.
“I need a dress for my class reunion,” the woman answered. “I don’t
care what colour or style, as long as it makes me look ten kilos lighter
and ten years younger.”
From another booth I heard a woman call out, “Make that two.”
A couple from Brooklyn went to a reception at an exclusive private school
in Manhattan where they hoped to send their child. The conversation turned
to Mozart. “Absolutely brilliant!” the other parents gushed. “What a prodigy!”
Anxious to join the discussion, the Brooklyn woman said, “Ah, Mozart!
Only this morning I saw him get on the No, 5 bus to Coney Island!”
There was a sudden hush. Pulling the woman aside, her husband whispered,
“Get your coat. We’re leaving.”
“What’s wrong?” she asked when they got outside. “Are you angry about
something?”
“I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life!” he replied. “You saw Mozart
take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don’t you know the No. 5
bus doesn’t go anywhere near Coney Island?”
A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their thirty-fifth
wedding anniversary. A fairy appeared to congratulate them and to grant
them each one wish.
The wife wanted to see the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof!
- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.
Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, “I wish
I had a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and poof! - he was 90.
A man works hard to keep the wolf from the door. Then his daughter grows up and brings one home.
Mixed emotions is when your teenager gets an A in sex education.
I was in a long, impatient queue at the Post Office, but our situation wasn’t as bad as that of the young man who had just reached the counter. “Oh no!” he exclaimed as he checked his handful of papers and envelopes. “I’m supposed to be at the bank.”
My data entry assistant could often be heard offering encouragement
to her computer. “You can do it, big guy!” she would say. “Good boy! Nice
job, fella.” After one particularly lengthy pep talk to the machine, I
asked, “How do you know your computer’s male?”
“Because,” she said, “you have to tell it what to do.”
On a family holiday, my father was very eager to go deep-sea fishing, something he’d never tried before. Aboard the fishing boat, the young skipper was more than happy to help me bait my line and cast it out. Each time we did, we caught a fish. However, my father, left to fend for himself, had no luck. Returning to the hotel, Dad carried my haul of fish into the lobby. Impressed, a hotel employee asked Dad what he had used for bait. My disheartened father answered, “A daughter.”
Dolphins are so intelligent that, within a few weeks of captivity, they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.
At a women’s meeting we were discussing philosophy, and someone read this definition: “A philosopher is a person who talks about something he doesn’t understand, and makes you think it’s you fault.” The woman next to me turned and whispered, “I thought that was a husband.”
A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner,
her father took the fiance aside for a chat. “So what are your plans?”
he began.
“I’m a theology scholar,” the man replied.
“Admirable,” the father said, ”but what will you do to provide a good
home for my daughter?”
“I will study and God will provide,” he explained.
“And how will you afford to raise children?”
“God will provide,” was the reply.
Later, the mother asked her husband, “How did it go?”
“He has no money or employment plans,” the father said. “But on the
other hand, he thinks I’m God.”
Our economics professor loved class participation. He would roam the
aisles looking for raised hands, or randomly call on students to answer
his questions. One day, lecturing on Government methods of controlling
the money supply, he paced the floor asking, “More money, I want more money.
What can I do to get more money?”
The room was silent until one inspired student volunteered, “Call Dad!”
A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you still have married me
if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you no matter
who left you a fortune.”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent,
and are asleep.
Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small
and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What
it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you Dumb
Ass, someone has stolen our tent.”
THESE ARE FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me. "
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault.
My wife asked me "What's on the TV? "
I said, "Dust! "
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, I haven't eaten anything in four days. "
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? "
Dad: "That happens in every country, son. "
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing:
"You can have mine. "
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
Forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until:
They can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are beautiful.
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to
bed.
Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the
refrigerator.